It’s one of the first questions we ask one another when meeting for the first time, or even when just running into someone we haven’t seen in a while: “What do you do?”  It seems innocent enough, and admittedly it’s often what I resort to in casual conversation, but what are the implications and underlying intentions of this question?

The assumption most of us make when hearing this question is, what do you do for work?  Makes sense considering for most of us the majority of our time is spent at work.  But is our work really what we DO?  Is it who we are?  Is it what people really want to know about us, and if so, why?  Of course I’m a firm believer in finding work for which the answers to these questions is a resounding YES, but what about those of us who have work to support the other things we do in life?

If you’ve been someone who has never had a job you’ve disliked, you are fortunate.  For the rest of us, the question “what do you do” can be quite a downer.  Personally, I’m happy to be working for myself now, but I want to share the feelings I have experienced being asked and answering this question based on two very different jobs I’ve had in the past:

Service Industry

One of my jobs during college was at a restaurant as a host, then server, then bartender.  Honestly, I really loved it!  Unfortunately, I felt continued judgement on this type of work.  I constantly heard “restaurant work is great while going through school,” and I even found myself saying it to others in an attempt to “justify” why I worked at a restaurant.  It’s too often assumed in our culture that working at a restaurant is okay as long as you’re working towards something else.  How many times are servers asked if they’re in school, or an aspiring actor/artist, or whatever it happens to be?  Why is it that once I was out of school I felt as though working at a restaurant just wasn’t acceptable anymore?  The answer to “what do you do” became something I was ashamed of.

Prestigious Tech Job

After college and being an AmeriCorps VISTA for a year, I landed a job at a healthcare software company which I was very proud to have gotten.  The nature of the application requirements and interview process made me feel as though I was one of the elite and the company had a very high reputation.  Unfortunately, I didn’t like the work and found myself working 60-90 hours a week, feeling constantly stressed.  The answer to “what do you do” was now a reminder of that stress, and unlike the feeling of getting the job, not something I was proud of.

Now, I accept there are many things I can work on personally to avoid these feelings.  The main one being to not care about other people’s opinions and judgement.  That being said, here are three things I will be implementing to help both myself and others avoid the “what do you do” trap:

#1  Consider the Intentions

If I choose to ask someone what they do, I must be sure my intentions are not to gauge where they are socially, and if they choose to answer with what they do for work, respond in a genuinely supportive and interested manner.  Short of scammers, if the job exists, it’s usually valuable to society and we all need to treat it as such.

#2 Ask a Different Question

There are so many other amazing, interesting things to know about someone other than their work or “what they do.”  The best replacement question I’ve found is “what are you passionate about?”  It’s so open to any and all answers, and virtually always puts someone in a positive mindset.

#3 Respond Differently

When asked “what do you do,” I have been trying to respond with the things I like to do.  Something along the lines of, “well, I love playing sports, hanging out with friends, hiking, and (recently) working.”  This response makes me feel good and hopefully opens the other person up to sharing what makes them happy as well.  In this light, it seems a good practice to answer in a way which is more in line with why it is we do what we do, instead of what it is we do.

What are your experiences with “What do you do?”  Ever felt judged on your response?  Have any favorite questions to ask instead?  Favorite responses?

Stay humble.  Grow stronger.

Cheers,

-Steven